Prepare-Nourish-Plant-Water-Reap

Okay, this one is pretty damn lenghly. I tried my best to take out some stuff, but honestly, it all needs to be said and read.

I'm speaking about a land and the steps you need to make the land grow. These same steps are needed in our walk of lyfe. Here we go:

On barren land, nothing is going to grow until you nourish the soul, till it, and plant seeds. Your life is like land waiting to be developed. It can grow anything you want once you have prepared yourself by nourishing your mind, body and spirit.

1. Prepare the Land

First clear and clean the infertile land. A cluttered environment is a reflection of a cluttered mind. Nothing can grow with trash covering it. Water, nutrients and sunshine cannot get to the seeds.

Make space for new and improved items, experiences, successes and people.

2. Nourish the Soil

Nothing can grow in soil that is lacking nutrients. Nourish your body, mind and soul. Strengthen yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and lay the foundation.

Strengthen your mind. Learn to enjoy being alone. Even go away on mini trips alone. It's the best time of getting to know yourself and get comfortable with being alone with yourself.

Try to expand your mind by reading. When you stop learning, you start dying. Develop resistance to past actions you have engaged in that you know are not productive to your life. Stop resisting change. Think of change as a gigantic box, covered in colorful wrapping paper adorned with a beautiful bow, holding something wonderful inside. Reconnect or strengthen your spiritual connection. This is an important one.

Work on healing, opening and bringing happiness into your heart. Heal your heart by forgiving those who have wronged you. Yep, heal yourself of the love pain. So what he cheated on you, so what he lied to you, so what he never cared about you. Build a bridge and get over it. This is where I am right now in lyfe. "emotional healing" do it
Not for him, but for you! They will face their own Creator and karma.

Open your heart to love. You deserve love and he is on his way. He is just one step closer! There is no need to fear love because of bad choices you have made in the past. You choose to be with him and he mistreated you, it's ok. Lesson Learned. Grow and move on.
Ladies, The past does not equal nor does it make your future.

You cannot give or receive love, until you can love yourself. Treat yourself as a cherished child to whom you provide the best, protect, spoil, pamper, nurture, encourage and love.

Happiness is not found in or through other people, or outside of yourself. Simply decide to be happy right now. You truly have to be happy and content with you and who you are as a person (flaws and all).

Ladies, its the HERE and NOW phase of lyfe.
There is something to be happy about (being alive, being healthy, having sight, having curbs, having thighs, nice booty, small booty, having dreams, your children, your parents, living in the United States).

We have So much to live and strive for, and there's more than just him.

Make your heart smile every day, at least once when you awake and before you go to sleep. Smile. Laugh.

3. Plant Seeds

Choose what you are going to grow. Choose. You make your own choices. Select seeds that will produce plants to enhance your life.

If you want a better job, look for advancement opportunities through your current employer, investigate educational possibilities that would lead to a better job, and/or start searching newspaper and online for better jobs you are currently qualified to do. A negative environment can be changed immediately.

If you want a better relationship, let go of your current unfulfilling, selfish relationship that keeps you miserable. Let it go. Treat yourself with respect by upholding your standards, morals and values, become the partner you seek. Spend your valuable time with the caliber of people you want in your life. You be your own partner. Get your dignity back and thrive on, stop letting him mistreat and disrespect you!

4. Water the Seeds

Continue to water the seeds you have sowed on a regular schedule, in order to grow healthy and vibrant plants. Enhance the seeds you have planted by expecting them to grow, taking actions to help them grow, and being patient while they grow. Continue caring for and strengthening your mind, body and soul. Love and pamper yourself in every way you possibly can. Strengthen your connection.

5. Harvest Time: Reap What You Have Sowed
Take that dude up on his invitation for a date. Let him take you out. Let him wine and dine you. Acutally date around. Spend time out on several different dates. You don't have to sleep with them all to go out and have fun. Are you on the night club mailing list, or the NAACP member mailing list? Do you subscribe to a gossip magazine, or a financial planning magazine? Do you watch soap operas and reality shows, or the history and learning channels? If you can, take a trip. Go away and have some fun. Do you. Meet Newness.

Your life today is a result of the seeds you planted or failed to plant yesterday. The seeds you plant now are your future. You will be at the mercy of environment and other people with life simply happening to you, if you don’t plant any seeds. If you plant defective seeds, your life will become plagued with illness (physical, emotional, spiritual and financial). Plant healthy seeds, in well prepared and nutrient rich soil, water regularly, and watch your dreams blossom right before your eyes!

Ladies, thrieve on. You deserve it. Go and have a Stella Moment when you need it!

Lost Identity

I never realized how your identity is based upon paper and computers. No, really. Your entire being is identified all in paperwork and computers.

My purse was stolen about 3 weeks ago from Garfields Resturant. Yes, they stole everything. Money, ID's, Debit Cards, etc. You would think, they would take the money ($250.00) and at least leave my wallet. But no, I guess they liked who I was...lol

I had to go to DMV with birth certificate, which by the way isn't enough information. They wanted Social Security Card or Medical Insurance or Marriage License. Now, let me say again. "my freakin wallet was stolen", which means all my information is gone. What part of "lost" did they miss? Do they care, hell no.

DMV sent me to Social Security Office, which again asked for something that has my date of birth listed. No, it can't be the obvious BC. She told me, if you have marriage license or divorce papers we can use that information. Or, go to the hospital and get a copy of your medical records. So, I leave SS office and travel all the way to OVMC. Thank God, I knew the medical records clerk!

Now, I've gone from mad, to frustrated, to pissed! Why in the hell does my identity rely upon another person, that's what I want to know? Why does my identity have to be proven through marriage or divorce? That pissed me off.

To make a long drawn out story short, keep your identity. Stay true to who you are, Keep your identity close and never ever let your identity be based upon someone else.

You know, I had to get my drivers license to hit the plane on Sunday morning!! Finally, I did manage to retrieve my identity back! lol

The Road Less Traveled...

Travelling is something that I'm ready to do. Lyfe may not always go as you planned, but that's lyfe. You can't dwell on it and you can't change it. All you can do is grow from it. Grow and move on.

I'm getting so excited to leave for Long Beach California. I'm packed and keep adding another outfit here and another one there. Already I got 3 bathing suits packed, why? I don't even know. I guess I just want to wear them all before summer falls.

As I was thinking about travelling. I thought about the road less travelled. Imma call that road, "the road to emotional healing". I feel great. Theres a part of me that feels free and relaxed.

On the road to emotional healing, sometimes you have to let go. I mean truly let go and change the mindset. Change the mindset in how we look at relationships. You see, for me; I viewed failed relationships that didn't work out as failure on my part. When actually, it is the complete opposite.

Instead of seeing it as a failure, we have to take up some maturity and a little humility and own up to our own part.

Any past relationship you encounter I think should be viewed as, what did I learn from it; what did I gain from it and what will I do differently the next time around? How else can you let go and move forward? Really, this is the only healthy way.

So, instead of becoming undone and feeling miserably sad; take on a new approach. We should make up in our minds to appreciate the past and see it as a stepping stone. Yep, one step closer.

One thing I've learned through my past relationships is how I've allowed fear to run the show. Fear in being Afraid of many things. Things that I won't even mention. And, once fear has taken the drivers seat, it takes over the road.

As I journey on the road less travelled, Imma make sure my next stop is healthy, safe, fun, well-rounded, filled with respect, communication, commitment, giving and receiving. This road was a stepping stone to me being one step closer.

Today, I'm on a road less travelled and I'm headed for emotional healing. It feels different. It is a road that truly is less travelled.

Long Beach, I can't wait to see you.

Tontastic Experience

What a tontastic experience sitting there watching my kid play in an all star game. I've lived through alot, first watching my oldest play football and Bball and now watching my youngest complete another chapter. It may not have been NFL but for me, it was a special tontastic moment.

Tonight, We road home and just hearing the excitement in his voice telling me the tons of friends and experience he gained over this past week. He said mom, I enjoyed every moment. He said, the coaches and team-mates were great and I liked staying the week at West Liberty.

Tontastic good experience and another chapter completed.

Did I mention, how proud I am? If not, let me tell you. I'm one proud mamma jamma.

"Get a Damn Job"

Sweet, Sexy, Chocoolattte TYRESE is up against a gold digger. Damn, he's so damn good looking. He can make you have a wet one!

Have you heard the latest? Our man, "Tyrese". Have you seen the movie yet, Transformers2? His "soon 2 bee xwifey" can't seem to get over her lazy self!

Tell me, why the hell does she think she should be entitled to a portion of his income? Hey, I'm all for a man taking care of homebase and his responsibilities. But, give me a damn break. What the hell. I'm not all for "gold diggers" making it worse for struggling single mom's.

She's been married to this man for only 10 months. 10 damn months. I don't think that entitles her to anything. Their child yeah. But even with that, I would still say "Get a damn Job".

How dare you think that just because Tyrese is famous and you have a child with him, that you deserve a portion of his HARD SWEATY (uummm) money. She doesn't just want child support ya'll, this lazy greedy a** wants a portion. A damn Portion!

She must be trippin and I say,

GET A DAMN JOB.

Every DIVA deserves escapeISM

I'm coming off a stretch of working 10 hours a day 8 straight days. This one Kicked my a**.

Best part about it all, is that I got a four day break after tomorrow. I can't wait to escape.

After tomorrow's shift, I'm headed to Cleveland! Booked my hotel and leaving up outta here 7am Friday and wont be back till game time! Gots ta go and get up outta the valley.

Can't wait for escapeism, sereity, relaxzation, a nite of poetry, music, fun and chillin with some friends.

Every DIVA needs escapeISM. Just a mini vacation to free the mind, body and soul!

EscapeISM, SEREITY, RELAXZATION, POETRY, MUSIC, FUN and FRIENDS...

Free at last.

Run the Race and Chase the Dream

Chasing your dream is a marathon with very few breaks and no finish line.
If you catch one, chase another!!!
Stay focused and don't let your dream get away.
You are never too young to dream and never too old to make it happen!

Run fast, run hard and Dream on. The dream is the reward.

Don't let it die and remember; there is no finish line.

MAKE IT HAPPEN

Boxing with the DEVIL

Have you ever been in a boxing match with the devil?

Blow for Blow. I mean fighting a spiritual battle and it feels like you're not winning. Have you felt like, he keeps throwing his punches and kicking you around really just trying to slowly wear you down?

You know when you're in the boxing ring when they go round for round with a slow punch to the mouth and then he hits you with a upper cut and another blow to the stomach or to the heart. That's called the sneak attack.

I watch boxing from time to time. Sometimes that's how lyfe gets you, makes you feel like you're in a boxing ring going round to round. The attacks comes at you with a punch but you brush it off. Then things like your kids start acting up, job gets too demanding, your car starts acting up, money not flowing right, house goes awry and then if your still standing, he goes for your heart. The devil knows where to throw his best punches.

That's what you call a spiritual battle. When absolutely everything around you feels like you're under an attack. This doesn't all happen overnight, it slowly creeps up on you. A punch here and there.

If you stand the blows he throws at you, then he hits you with a bam bam bam and they start coming at a faster pace. See, the sneaky thing about the devil is that he knows where to hit you and where it's gonna hurt.

Tonight, I'm punching the DEVIL in the head until he is down and then, Im stomping on his head. I'm going for TKO!

He had his chance to kill me.

The devil looked me right in the face. Yes, he did. Eye to Eye and shot at me and I survived. Not only did I survive but I lived to tell the story and still got my hand to raise and give a shout out.

DEVIL YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME WHEN YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE.

Devil: I'm punching you for every lie you told me.
Devil: I'm punching you my kids sake.
Devil: I'm punching you for every heartache
Devil: I'm punching you for trying to make me seem weak.
Devil: I'm punching you for my finances that you stole
Devil: I'm punching you for the trust you took from me.
Devil: I'm punching you for trying to steal my joy, my inner peace.
Devil: I'm punching you for trying to make me think I'm the crazy one.
Devil: I'm punching you for making me feel insecure and unloved.
Devil: I'm punching you for making me feel incapable.

Devil, now that I got you down. I'm stomping on your head. I'm stomping on your head. I'm stomping you down.

Devil, you should have killed me when you had a chance. I'm back and I'm stronger and better!

Devil, I WIN! Your down so stay down.
TKO!

#90

It's dat time.....OVAC
OHIO vs WVA

My man left today for West Lib. He's gone all week headed to combat an intensified 7 day training. I won't see him till day of game.

No doubt going to put the B in Beast!!!

Stadium time is at 7pm on Wheeling Island. I'm proud of my dude. He made it all the way hanging with all the BEST BEASTs in the Valley. Look for Ohio (Sean West) #90.

Now, that's an accomblishment and I'm a proud MAMMA JAMMA. He told me I'm not allowed to make banners with his nickname. But, I'm allowed to make banners and flags with his #90 and real name. He said, Mom no p****i* on the banner. lol

I wish all the boys and both teams good luck. But,
I Gotta give a special shout out to O-H-I-O and Sean West!!!

ONE PROUD MAMMA JAMMA...

make it say...

make it say...
Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee (Wee),


Make dat body sang! Got Lil Wayne tickets today....Wee Ooh Wee Ooh Wee

Explore. Dream. Discover.

Over the past few months, I've been soul searching and questioning alot of things in my lyfe. I consider myself a Woman of her Word, which means if I say something; I will follow through. Sometimes, its not easy. Sometimes, you have to just let go and let God and still be "a woman of her word". It's not easy. Even if it means giving up something that you love; you got to let it go and let God. "Be a Woman of Your Word".

The demands of Lyfe has challenged me to take a step back and look at lyfe from the outside in. For me, looking from the outside helps me see a clearer view of what is really going on. It helps me to see the patterns, they cycle and all lyfe's dramas that I created.

I consider myself to be a happy person. I love who I am and what I've become as a woman. I believe that people who are happy truly see lyfe in a realistic view. What do I mean? Well, I mean, a happy person is seldom out of touch with reality. No, it doesn't mean "they have it all together and all figured out". It just means that a happy person sees lyfe and all its shit a little better.

Happiness is accepting all the shit that lyfe dealt you and still keep the desire to grap hold of what's within you. Keeping that champion voice that says, "no matter what". That's happiness. It's a mindset, an inner peace and a restful soul.

When lyfe's shit knocks you down, don't stay down. Explore it and take some time off from the normal issues, the pressures and the routines and explore you and don't be afraid.

Gotta be able to spend time thinking, relaxing, meditating, and reviewing your lyfe or better yet, just simply have some fun!

Dream a little. Dare a little.

But most importantily,

Discover alot about yourself and look at lyfe through a different perspective. Discover and tap into your inner being and allow it to be revitalizing and a little therapeutic. Let it rest in your mind, body and soul.

Happiness is a mindset, an inner peace and a restful soul!

Explore. Dream. and Discover alot about you.

You asked, Do I Qualify?

The Brother's Response:

You ask, do I qualify. Can I fulfill your needs and become the man you need me to be? My sister, are you prepared for what you've asked for? Can you handle the responsibility?

Can you accept that, by GOD, I am the chosen one, the authority, the comforter, and the head? Will you submit and willingly follow my path? Or will you fight with me instead?

If I am your King, will you treat me as such? Will I get the best of your beauty and poise? Or will I be subjected to an appearance neglected, and checked with some serious noise?

When I talk, will you listen? I mean whole heartedly and feel me? Or will you rush me just to make your point too? Can I be the man at all times? Even when it hurts? Or is it just when it's convenient for you?

Can you love me for me, and not who you wish I could be? Will you see the strong Black Man within? Or will you always remind me of all the past brothers behind me and make me pay for their sins?

If I don't send you flowers the day your co-worker received some, will you know that I love you still? Or will my good name be uttered along with those other doggish brothers? Will you question if my commitment is real?

Will you be patient and teach me to understand you, and allow my knowledge of your needs to grow? Or will you shut me out when I ask, Baby what's wrong? Or will you respond with, "Well a REAL man would know!"

When we first met, what was it that caught your eye? Was it my mind, my heart, my personality? Or was it my suit, or my job, or do you love what I drive, instead of what's driving me?

Yes I can, and I will, make love to you from midnight to the dawning of the sun. But, if I tell you I'm tired, will you trust I'm sincere or believe that there must be another one? My sister, I love you and my heart can be yours. No woman could lead me astray. But like you, I have needs, so I beg of you, please, in this love thang meet me half way.

In life's tough times I'll hold you, in the rough times I'll mold you; your simplest wish will be my command. My life is yours if need be. Yes you can fully bleed me, and when hell comes, in your place, I'll stand.

A good relationship is a powerful institution that must be built on a foundation of two. So to answer your question, YES sister, I do qualify.




Now, more importantly.....!

DO YOU?

Missin Him

As I sit here tonight enjoying the fresh air on my lovely porch and just basking the view. I'm MISSING HIM. I'm missing my brother tonight. I haven't seen him in a few years and I can't wait to get out to California and pay him a visit. Hopefully, there will be time allotted to visit. I don't plan on travelling all the way to Cali and not see him.

Where is he? Where most decent black men are housed. Yep, Federal Prison. He got 9 years under his belt and 1 more to go....Hurry up, Hurry up. I want him home, maybe not back in OHIO/WV but out.

My other brother came home from Arizona last month for my son's graduation and we had a blast. It's long overdue to have my family back again. There is nothing like having brothers and I miss both of them dearly.

Missing HIM!!

HOEACTIVITIES part 2

Recently, I read an article about Rapper Slim “Thugga!” This article made me think once again about our young women who out here engaging, soliciting, and participating in activities that bring upon themselves so much disgrace, humility and dis-taste. All in the name of LOVE thinking its cute, sexy and erotic. NOT!

Listen to this: Slim Thugga, was recently caught on the receiving end of a lewd act by some bopper (thats what they call hoes/groupies in Texas) in Atlanta. The two were both bold enough to engage in the act of oral sex on a public street. Can you image, right in public on the street!

You can guess who was on the receiving end of this fiasco. I personally don’t have a problem with oral sex. Hey, We are all grown here so don’t look at me like that; I'm just keeping it real.

What I do have a problem with is performing it out in public. What happen to being a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom? My friend says this statement all the damn time. What happen to that?

To top this off, apparently this chick wasn’t even his woman. She was a groupie chick caught up by the flashing lights. I figure if you’re gonna engage in hoeactivites at least do it with the one that you love. Right! That's how I play the game.

I mean, do you just wrap your mouth around a dude you don't even know? Come on ladies, at least know your meat and not let it be some dude who will barely remember your name or face after the act. That’s just my opinion.


What ever happened to this saying "a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom, shouldn't we know the man"?

What do you think? Should all freaky acts be left to the comfort of your own home? When you are in a long term relationship it is said that you should switch up things in order to keep the excitement roaring. Does it mean switch up partners, switch up and just go buck wild and freak him in public? Geez.

Slim Thug should be embarassed, depsite his ear to ear smile. I can’t completely place the blame on the female. It is not “cool” for a man to put himself in this position either. Besides, doesn’t he have kids? Especially, a little girl. I’m sure he wouldn’t have that kool-aide smile in place if it was his daughter performing the same act out in public. Hell, he probably wouldn’t want her to ever perform the act!

The article states, This chick wins the Bopper Of The Month Award.

Why would you put yourself out there like that? You are doing this for who? Some dude who undoubtedly does not care for you whose going to disrespect you tomorrow and forget your name and face. Which means that you have to look out for you.
Ladies, get right. Get a little dignity and respect for yourself. Stop the non-sense of thinking you have to sex your way to happiness.

Hey Groupies, Hey Hoes, Listen up: If you have to stay true to your bopper tendencies then go to a freakin hotel. Would it have been to much to get him to rent a hotel room or even to wait a few moments and go back to his car? You can't even get the rapper dude who has money to spend a little on you? Get freakin real, I don't understand that one.

I not judging. Whatever “does it” for you. I guess "do you"!

But I be damn, get real; ladies, out in public? I don’t know about that one. Not even for A. Hamilton or 50. As the saying goes “hoes will be hoes”. But, If you are going to be a hoe then keep your hoe activites under wraps ladies.

Ok, is it just me or am I just freaking old! Where is the dignity of being a Lady?
What do you think? Should all freaky acts be left to the comfort of your own home?

Do You Qualify

Do you qualify to be the man I need you to be? Will you be able to recognize the things you need to see? Will you be able to understand, that I'm a good woman and in my life I need a good man?
DO YOU QUALIFY?

Do you qualify to put me in my place if you see I am slippin? Can you talk to me, wholeheartedly, not constantly holding your feelings??

DO YOU QUALIFY?

Do you qualify to be called all mine? Can you leave the other women and temptations behind? Can you come to me with your problems and not wait until it's too late? Can you stand up and admit if you made a mistake?

DO YOU QUALIFY?

Do you qualify to be the honest ebony man I would want you to be? Would you be able to look me in my eyes and admit your feelings to me? Could you take me in your arms and make love to me all night long? Can you be sensitive and still be strong?

DO YOU QUALIFY?

Do you qualify to be my friend as well as my lover? Can you put our love before any other? Can you cherish me as if I were Diamonds & Gold? Can you make me feel like I'm the last woman you'll ever hold?

DO YOU QUALIFY?

Do you qualify to be called a good man? If I have doubts can you reassure me and understand? Can your love intoxicate me as if I were High? To be in my life, I need to know.....

DO YOU QUALIFY

Ladies, I printing this poem out and blastering it on my mirror. I love this poem. There is a response from the man, that I will send at another date. I love this!

"Still I Rise" I Rise

by Maya Angelou
"Still I Rise"

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Packed Gucci Bag

I got my Gucci Bag Packed.

Over the past weekend, I set up an information table at the Jubilee for Racial Justice. While I was preparing the information and packing up my materials, something dawned on me. Damn sure did.

I had these boxes of information packed up and I kept moving the bags from one side of the room to the next. Then I got this revelation that sometimes, this is what we do with our inner junk that we might think we have half hazardously gotten rid of, Hummmmm.

Made me start thinking about some issues, some inner demons, some bad habits that really I packed up in a Gucci Bag and left it sitting in a corner and from time to time, I move the bag over to the next corner.

Something like the post I blogged about called The Town called Victimville. Remember, living in a country called "Sad", and a town call Victimville on the street called Hurt Lane. You see, I moved out of town, left the country and changed my street address. But guess what I didn't do? I didn't unpack the freakin bag! I left the bag sitting packed in the corner.

The Gucci Bag is being unpacked tonight. It is full of if I, coulda, shoulda, woulda, and why?

You see unconsciously sometimes we keep our bags packed waiting for the next opportunity to drag them around moving them from one corner to the next. We use those bags as a reason to avoid taking any new risks. They become our permission slips to play it safe and really stay stuck in the same ole situation.

I'm unpacking my Gucci Bag and leaving unpacked. Why bother moving to another street and still carry around the same ole bag? Why do it?

I don't know about you, but I'm unpacking Gucci!

Laughter and Latte

True Friendship is characterized by grace, truth, forgiveness, unselfishness, boundaries, care, respect and love in a gigantic and mutual proportional way.

Tonight, I had the best laugh with three wonderful friends. Sometimes laughing with friends just helps you to be thankful for just being YOU!

Every friend I have in my lyfe knows how to belly laugh and they help me to not take myself too seriously.

Laughter is like a tall Latte, rich and creamy full of flavor. I think real laughter and enjoyment comes from going deep and then rising to the surface to get air and on the way up, guess what? You get bubbles of laughter that fill the air!

I was told today, I look fun and fabulous when laughing.

And guess what?

So do you!!

Make sure you "Live a little and laugh alot!"